I Miss You

I miss the smell of the greens and the clanging of the clubs as you let me drive the golf cart and scribbled down your score. I miss the feeling of walking into a warm, clean home with the smell of dinner wafting through the air and a friend trailing behind me. I miss pulling up a chair to talk to you and dad as you held hands and sipped Merlot from your wine glasses. I miss our countless trips to the drugstore and through the McDonald's drive through as you complained about my music, though I would stick in a CD I had burned anyway. I miss the way you'd laugh until you peed, tears streaming down your face. I miss walking down the stairs and watching as you worked on the crafts you were always so talented with. I miss your constant support over my latest poem or novel or magazine. I miss your cuddles. I miss your presence. I miss everything.

I wouldn't miss the ghost of a marriage between two of the most important people in my life that haunts me constantly. I wouldn't miss how holidays always seem to be a constant reminded that I no longer get to spend them with you. I wouldn't miss seeing the hurt in my dads eyes that he covers up with anger, though I'll never forget the day I saw him cry. I wouldn't miss the smell of your cigarettes as they perfume your clothes, your car, your body. I wouldn't miss his laugh, the way he calls you babe, the way he holds your hand. I wouldn't miss your new house with your new dog and your new life.

I wouldn't miss any of it at all.

And if only I could go back in time and relive how things used to be, if only for a day.

I would hold onto that day with everything I had.

Because the saying really is true; you don't know know what you have until its gone.

Hey, mom.

I miss you.

happy birthday babe

a compilation of things i need to make my sweet best friend jessie's surprise birthday party a success (emphasis on the surprsie so shhh).

• balloons (mostly because I love balloons and I think they make party's fab)
• glow sticks (because I also love glow sticks)
• a cake (topped with seventeen white candles)
• cookies and snacks
• presents wrapped with joy
• firewood 
• fully charged phones to capture memories 
• a bunch of her closest friends to make her Birthday Eve Eve (yes her birthday's on Thanksgiving) a night to remember forever.

she thinks she's coming over to spend the night at my house and watch movies. needless to say i'm overly excited and the fact that she's completely unaware is really getting to me. i'm a secret sharer, a blabber mouth, whatever you want to label me, the elephant in the room (which i don't even know is an appropriate term considering she doesn't know about the elephant to begin with) is killer.

i'm not a native especially not in chemistry class

so i was sitting there,  in chemistry class, and i was with people that i know but aren't necessarily friends with, and all of a sudden i feel like an alien, like i couldn't have been more of an outsider.

have you ever felt that way?

maybe someone said something that offended you or everyone around you has different beliefs, opinions, hobbies. but whatever the case, you can almost just see the wall that separates you from the others and all you desire is to escape to somewhere else.

it gets even worse when one of your best friends, someone who you thought you were on the same page on, perhaps feels threatened of being an outsider themselves, and so they change. they go along with the flow. they throw out a couple cuss words and pretend they don't give a crap. 

well i'm sorry but that's not the way i roll. 

so many of the kids at school pretend  to be "cool".

and i'm not cool. at all. 

i'm a reject, i'm a foreigner, i'm a freak. i don't belong here so why am i pretending? 

i trust that god's going to use me to do big things, great things, for him. i trust that there are times when i'm going to be insanely happy. good things are going to happen. i will succeed sooner or later. but i also know that this home is temporary. we don't belong here. there's so much more than parties and alcohol and raunchy sex. there's so much more than the kinds of clothes you wear or who you hang out with or how you talk. life is so much more, YOU are so much more.

if you ever feel like an alien sometimes, know that you're not alone. 

and that maybe being an alien is actually a good thing.

even if it feels like crap.

monday funday

i don't know how you guys feel about public speaking, but for me personally, it's a nightmare. i'll be confident in my information, i'll practice, and i'll make note cards. but somewhere between standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom and standing in front of my class, my confidence dissolves.. my knees grow weak, i feel out of breath, and my voice sounds like i'm on the verge of bawling. i really don't understand, but i'm happy it's over, if only for today. my civil war research on the minie ball a "revolutionary bullet" is in the past. thank. god.

speaking of class, school has been weird this year. if you guys are newbies to my life, then you may not be aware that this is only my second year in el public schoolo. i'm a junior in a small town where nearly everyone smokes pot and/or farms. it's interesting, really, considering i do neither. this year i think is a year of growth and change for me. i've become so much more involved in my church, i'm discovering new interests and desires, and i've hopped back on my own bandwagon with the realizing that the traditional "dating" game is not for me. that, however, is something i could discuss post after post. and let's be honest: i probably will.

i should probably go now.
i need to get on my devotions and get to bed.
i'm planning on getting a mocha from mcdonalds tomorrow and tomorrow night is the selena gomez concert.
can we just please take a moment of silence for selena:

----

thank you very much.
have a stellar tuesday babies.

depressing thoughts

today's been a real crappy day which is such a shame for a breezy saturday.

i think part of the reason is because that time of the month is making its way around again, but none the less it has still be crap.

and i need to keep reminding myself of the scripture, "the Lord is my Shepherd, i shall not want". for ultimately, god is all i need. not someone to love me, not to get invited to dumb parties, not to have a perfect body,  not to have everything work out exactly how i want it to. because i'm selfish and ignorant and have no idea the plans that god has in store for me. if i just keep my eyes on him, i know that all will be well.

i think i have something to say

i think i have something to say

something to write, something to share.

and i don't know how or where exactly i'm going to start (however awkward start sounds since this blog has been up and running for years now).

but the fact of the matter is i've lost the passion.

lost the passion for writing, for creating, for sharing.

and that's not fair to myself. i honestly think it's been making me miserable.

so let's try again.

32,493 time's the charm.

I can't believe it's almost been half a year since I've posted. I want to say a lot has happened and I have changed, but in reality I don't think either of those statements are exactly true. Nevertheless, I was in SAT test prep the other day and instead of listening to my teacher lecture about whatever she was lecturing about, I wrote this. I don't know why, but I kind of like it, and it's one of the very few things I've actually written as of late. I don't know how often I'll be posting (if at all), life is hectic and I often succumb to the stress-fullness of it all. But I felt like posting and maybe what I need is to get back to the old me. And the old me loved her blog.

8.22.13

The problem with life and people and relationships is that everybody’s selfish. I’m selfish, you’re selfish, and your friends are selfish. It’s hard when you’re in a bad mood to think about anything but your mad mood and thus you inflict your pain on others simply because “misery loves company”. And I suppose you want sympathy, you want someone to care about why you’re in such a downward mood so you enthusiastically flaunt your feelings. Maybe you vent to people, but what happens when you vent to people is they become empathetic even if they aren’t empathetic people and they themselves start to feel terrible about their day, even if it was going fine. Then you become even more depressed because you both are depressed and what is there to be happy about if everyone is depressed? So you stare blankly and you say, “I’m just tired” and imply you meant physically as you rub your eyes and give them a lazy smile, but inwardly you know that you’re tired mentally and that you want them to somehow know without knowing. So you turn to your numbing devices like a dog returning to its vomit and you realize how that even though these things are nice, they only subside the pain, not fix it. Maybe this is why there is so much anger in the world, people getting annoyed over the smallest things. Perhaps you aren’t happy with yourself. 

port st. lucy

i'm in florida right now, discovering the joys of collecting shells, diving in waves, and cute little local eats. this place is great, you guys, and while i'm ready to return, i'm also going to miss it. i'm going to miss the sun burns and the crazy hair and the late night diet cokes. i'm going to miss swimming in the ocean and watching the surfers, wishing i could be as cool as them. i'll miss laughing at the cute little children all lathered in sun screen, running around playfully. i'm going to miss the disgusting mounds of sand you find nestled inside your swim suit and making nom foods for breakfast. it's places like these that you make you think about a lot of things, like how much you want to fall in love and get married and raise little surfer babies. about how much you could do if you could just escape the routines of life. about how much time school really takes up. this vacation, has really been a vacation for me. i hope i go back home not only bronzed and blonde, but also appreciating the little things and trying to make each day special. - SB13 ♥

best i ever had

school has been trying to kick my butt.

actually, life in general has. 

but i'm refusing to let it and instead just drinking a little more caffeine and taking naps.

and also i do enjoy  my kitty folder i got yesterday.

it makes digging for papers a little more enjoyable. 

and even though things are crazy, i have to remember that it won't last forever.  

i should enjoy every ounce of it. 

i should focus. 

also, this song has nothing to do with anything in life. 

but i like it so. 

baby you the beeeest, baby you the beeeest.

b o y f r i e n d l e s s

i'm always talking about one boy or another and while it may seem slightly absurd to the majority, i like it. boys are just a fun topic and sooo easy to write about.

and so before i take my dose of cough medicine and settle under the covers with my blue and green christmas lights still aglow and an episode of greys anatomy,

i'm going to write about yet another boy. 

his name is chris.

chris is a senior and very all-american.

he's preppy, wearing sweaters and white pants and american eagle.

his hair is dark as are his eyes.

he plays soccer, golf, and swim. 

i started thinking about him towards the end of the summer. 

apparently he had a crush on me sometime once school started.

a "huge" crush. 

but i didn't know this and he surely didn't tell me or give me any clue whatsoever. 

but then he started talking to my friend. 

and they made out in my driveway..

..the night before my 17th birthday. erm. 

he drives a big black truck, all shiny and new looking. 

it smells like heaven inside. 

and now he's single and in my sociology class and i don't know what to do with myself.

i just want.. well, i don't know what i want. 

but he's there.

and i'm there. 

and i find it completely unfair that we're both there with so much promise..

yet we barely talk. 

so i try and pay attention as malchow lectures on values and culture..

and wonder why i'm not in the seat next to him,

writing notes back and forth and trying not to laugh,

staring into his eyes,

and calling him mine.