abandonment

i had a horrible dream last night. it was the kind where you wake and, if you haven't already, start to cry. life can feel just so dark sometimes and i feel so abandoned. it's like i'm just waiting for someone to pull me close and genuinely care when they ask, "are you okay?". my dad does that. but my dad's going through a hell of his own. will it ever be okay again? will i learn to accept this? i was seriously dreading christmas, sadly. everyone was getting all excited and i was just sitting there thinking, how can i be excited when everything is so horrible? i wish i could be excited. it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. thank god, for that. i hope next christmas is even better. maybe eventually my christmas' will be just as good as my first sixteen ones, if that's even possible. and maybe i'll have someone extra special to make them that way.

1997

the year is 1997.

i was two years old.

my hair is blonde, my nose is small, and my eyes are filled with happiness.

the kind of happiness that only a child can have.

i'm pulled close to my mom.

to this day it's still one of my favorite places to be.

i think it's kind of scary.

how you can love someone so much.

so much that it hurts.

that they have so much of your heart,

they could break you.

you're so vulnerable.

i love you, mom.

christmas eve

my mom came over.
i was making green bean casserole and my dad had christmas music playing.
she started crying.
i just want to cry too.

my christmas to-do list.

it's almost unfair how you only get to celebrate Christmas once a year. all the warm beverages and peppermint, the Christmas movies, the lights, the music, the cheer. this year, despite the feeling of utter misery i feel about the holidays, i'm going to suck it up and dive in to the festivities.. soaking up every once of what it has to offer. after all, Christmas is just around the corner.

(1. buy something peppermint from starbucks.
(2. watch "how the grinch stole Christmas".
(3. read at least two books over break. 
(4. go caroling.
(5. go sledding.
(6. kiss in some spontaneous, romantic fashion in which i'll dream about forever & be sure to update my blog filling you guys in on every, minuscule detail..*
(7. make christmas cookies.
(8. do something special for someone in need.
(8. party on new years.

*so, perhaps i can't actually make this happen and whether or not it actually gets completed.. well, time will tell. but i think that falling in love at christmas time would quite possibility be magical. and i would love for someone to help me check off all these things, one by one. and cuddle. cuddle a lot. 

kiss me

i'm not certain about a lot of things. 

but i am certain, that if i were to be kissed on new years.. 

well, it would be the most magical thing ever.

the christmas lights would still be up, 

some adorable boy is right beside me.. 

& as everyone's counting down.. 

5..4..3..2..1..

he leans in. 

and 2013 just became a whole lot sweeter. 

thursday nights are good nights.

i'm settling in for the night with a cup full of root beer, my twinkly lights aglow, and gossip girl (season 5!). i'm so thankful it's friday tomorrow. i'm definitely in need of a weekend full of movies, bacon and egg sandwiches, and my friends with our crazy adventures. school can be so overwhelming sometimes. it's not like i regret my switch from home schooling to public school.. and it's not like i'm having such a "hard time" like everybody thought i would. it's just that it's stressful and tiring. like it is for eveeeryone. 

 

i don't really have anything specific to write about tonight. i just was gazing at my blog and realized i hadn't posted in awhile. i feel like slowly i'm starting to get back to that part of me that writes all the time. for awhile there, i was on some sort of writing hiatus. it was scary, actually, because writing is and always has been such a part of who i am. since i was super young i've been writing stories and poems. pretending i was some big shot author. 

and hopefully.. eventually.. i'll slowly be getting back to my old self in its entirety. i realize that too much has happened in my life for me to be the same as i was when i was thirteen. when i was so pure and whole. i realize that change is inevitable and can be a good thing. it's just that i feel like recently i've lost too much of who i was. i've lost too much of what made me, me. my heart, my soul. i don't want to live life like it's some mascaraed party. i want to live life for jesus. i want to live life who i am and who i'm supposed to be, not afraid of anything.  

current favorites! ♥

These have been a few of my essentials lately. Thought you might enjoy! 

(1. Not Your Mother's "Clean Freak" dry shampoo - such a life saver! 

(2. "Vanilla Bean Noel" body mist from Bath & Body Works - HEAVEN.

(3. Queen Helene "Cocoa Butter" - this is the cream, I use the lotion. So moisturizing. 

(4. Cover Girl "Nature Luxe" foundation - silky, light, but good coverage. 

(5. Maybelline volume express mascaras, "The Colossal Cat Eyes" and "The Mega Plush". I layer them! 

mommy.

i miss my mom. it's so strange, actually, because last year we spent nearly 24/7 together. now, I'm lucky if I get to see her a little each week. that kills me inside because her and i were so close and i realize that there comes a time when parents and their kids break apart from each other.. but the way this all happened just feels wrong and tragic. she's always been the rock that i turned to for comfort, approval, reassurance, and compliments. she was who i turned to when i was going through something hard. but what do i do when what i'm going through is the divorce of my parents, my family, and my mom's waist isn't there to hold. her way of getting through this is becoming emotionless, but my way of getting through this is becoming emotional.

i wish she was here right now. i wish i could rewind time and see my parents love each other again. i never realized how important that was for me. i never realized how the relationship of my parents could affect the stability of my life. how i function. i find comfort in cute little christmas cups and my twinkly lights. my friends too, of course. they're seriously such a large part of my life now it's crazy. i never knew how important true friends were until i was in desperate need of some. without them, i don't know where i'd be.

i'm off to church, now. i hope that it fills me up and gives me motivation. also, i'm terribly sorry for all the depressing posts i've been putting up lately. i've just needed a place to lay out all my thoughts and a place to express how i'm feeling and this just happens to be that.

pieces.

i'm sure everyone's doing posts on thanksgiving.. what they're thankful for and all that jazz. maybe they decided to make a list or perhaps a deep paragraph on thankfulness and all the wonderful things in their life. this year, i'm not feeling particularly grateful. i know that's awful and some people have so much less than me.. but recently it's like my anchor, my life jacket.. just disappeared in mid air. everything i could always count on, always had with me.. well, i don't have that anymore. my family is in shreds. and i'm supposed to be okay with it. well, i'm sorry. but i'm definitely not.

stronger

last year at this time everything was so different. i hadn't decided if i was going to pursue high school (i was homeschooled), my aunt was still alive, my parents were still together, i had just turned 16.. looking back, 2012 wasn't a very merry year. tragedy kept looming around the corner. i didn't know that i would one day walk the halls of RHS. i didn't know that in about a month my mom would get a phone call that changed everything. i sure as hell didn't think my parents were going to get divorced.. but it all happened. and even though 2012 literally sucked, it was a year of growing. it was a year of learning how to survive. to make the best out of the worst. it challenged me. it made me cry. but it also made me laugh. i realized that boys actually like me. i realized that i was capable of playing a varsity sport. i realized that i'm stronger, more confident, and more beautiful than i ever would have thought.

so much has changed and happened that it's unbelievable. people have stayed in my life, people have left, and people have entered. even though i have a lot to be upset about - still am upset about, actually - i have a lot to be thankful for. despite the bad, despite the negativity that surrounds my mind.. i'm still jodie. i'm still that girl that likes to find the good in everything. i'm still that girl that is always writing something. i'm still that girl that wants to fall in love more than anything. i'm still that girl whose strength is surprising.

and somewhere, deep inside, is that 14 year old homeschooled, good little christian girl who loved to write and started a blog.

and yes. who still thinks jonah is the cutest boy in the world.