Friday, January 4
i had a horrible dream last night. it was the kind where you wake and, if you haven't already, start to cry. life can feel just so dark sometimes and i feel so abandoned. it's like i'm just waiting for someone to pull me close and genuinely care when they ask, "are you okay?". my dad does that. but my dad's going through a hell of his own. will it ever be okay again? will i learn to accept this? i was seriously dreading christmas, sadly. everyone was getting all excited and i was just sitting there thinking, how can i be excited when everything is so horrible? i wish i could be excited. it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. thank god, for that. i hope next christmas is even better. maybe eventually my christmas' will be just as good as my first sixteen ones, if that's even possible. and maybe i'll have someone extra special to make them that way.
at 5:32 AM